Approval and date of surgery

So I finally got my approval from insurance and also a surgery date of October 8th.

I start my liquid diet on September 24th. Before I decided to have this surgery, I would not do it specifically because I knew I couldn't handle the liquid diet. My head is screaming to me that there is absolutely no way I can handle it or get through it. But there's this other feeling, deep but accessible. It's saying that I can do this, it will be very difficult and it will feel like I'm breaking in two and that my life is falling apart but I will be a different person, a healthier me.

Someone in my 12 step program mentioned that maybe all this illness, back pain and nausea is my body going through a transition and must experience this transition in order to be free of the weight, the pain and the constant fatigue.

Whatever happens, I will be alive to experience it.

Helplessness

I thought things were getting better for me then today right before my meeting, a setback. I didn't overeat but I got close, it felt more like compulsive eating than anything else. I felt repulsed after and just wanted to curl into a ball. I drug my ass to the meeting anyway.

I'm glad I did. I started step 5 Sunday even though I had a splitting headache that made me sick. I still have it today and now I also pulled a muscle in my back which is causing a lot of pain, AGAIN.

It felt like I was trying to eat away the pain. But of course that didn't help. I must figure out something healthy to do for dinner on meeting nights. Difficult to plan ahead when I have a major migraine.

I feel lost but I also feel like this was another step up in the right direction, sometimes we have to take a step back to take a big step forward.

Impatience

I have always been impatient. Since I can remember, whenever I get something new, I almost always have to open it in the car before I get home. There is no rhyme or reason.

Well, this whole surgery process is making it extremely difficult for me to be patient. I keep getting emails, give it 5 more days, give us info about your psych eval - dates and times. Uhhhhh---you FING work there, aren't you supposed to know what the hell is going on????!!?!?!?

Anyway, I am barely holding on to my patience. With this relentless impatience, I am having some pretty major food cravings, all emotional of course. So if I indulge....doesn;t that mean I am not ready for this surgery? I have to completely change my life once this happens. Food habits, eating habits, emotional issues, patience issues.

So, just heard back from coordinator, I have to see the psych doc one more time before my paperwork can be resubmitted for approval. I have to say, that that is really depressing.